A Confession (Continue at Your Own Risk)

My life has felt stagnant for a long time. I have been living on the edge of wanting/needing/being unable to resist giving up. Too many days and nights have been spent entertaining suicidal thoughts as I wondered if there really is no purpose for me being here.

Firstly, I'd like to take this moment to say I know I'm not special in having these kinds of thoughts. I know bad things happen to all people. I know everyone deals with traumatic times in their lives.

But bad things didn't happen to me; I made wrong choice after wrong choice and bad consequences resulted.

Again, this sounds like the same old story, right? Well, the problem is that I thought every choice I made was ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT ONE at the time, only to find out afterward just how wrong it was. Have you any idea how frustrating this is?

For a long time I would have serious bouts of feeling like my decision to be with Mike was the wrong one, my rush to move across the country a dire mistake that I couldn't easily take back. And many times my self-hatred was so intense that literally the only thing keeping me alive was my family. I didn't care if I destroyed my own life. But I couldn't bear to be the cause of their undoing. And I KNOW that's what happens when a family member selfishly cuts their life short. For that I owe them a HUGE THANK YOU. I owe them my life many times over.

And now? Waiting around to find out my life's meaning has been worth it. I even like myself now! And as a natural extension of that Mike likes me again too (not that he didn't like me before, but it's hard to like someone who is a self-destructive, self-absorbed Whiner with a capital W). I see the beautiful person with all the potential that I know my family must see. My life is moving forward. My days are meaningful. My nights are peaceful.

Why has this happened? It's been in large part because of the hard work I have put into changing my course. I hated how my life was going. So, I ate too much, lazed in bed, refused to be helpful, whined about my lot in life. Nothing changed for the better.

Shocking, right?

I knew something had to give. I knew I had to make changes.

So, I started to go to MYSELF to resolve my problems - instead of nagging/expecting my partner to do it.

My two-mile morning walk is now the highlight of my day.

I learned to LET IT BE. There is so much in life that I have no control over - most of it, really - and I am really really bad at just letting things be and giving things time to unfold. That downfall was literally ruining my life. And my partner's. But something as simple as a mantra I shamelessly stole from Paul McCartney has drastically changed my life for the better.

I practiced treating Mike the way I craved for him to treat me. When I wanted to lash out in frustration I FORCED myself to stop and flip it around. I asked myself, 'Why did he just say/do that? What was the motivation? If I had just said/done that HOW WOULD I need him to respond to me?'

Suddenly I had a better understanding not only of his behaviors but of mine as well!

I started catching all the ways I was being MANIPULATIVE. All the ways I was HURTING him. Pushing him away. Making myself miserable. Expecting too much. And not counting my numerous blessings. Instead of sharing my life with him and being joyous over the privilege of getting to have him share his life with me, I was trying to OWN HIM. And all I was really accomplishing was that I was slowly and painfully losing him. And he was slowly feeling like he was going mad.

Now:
I am grateful for his patience.
His love.
His sticking around.
I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful man.
We have strong respect for one another, including one another's boundaries. (That is part of trusting each other.)
We have both made mistakes with regards to each other. We have hurt each other.
But it's been unintentional, and we have both intentionally made changes so as not to repeat those hurts.
I am striving all the time to not take everything so personally.
And I know we might not be together forever but that sure as hell is our collective goal.

AND: That happiness that suffuses all the cells of my body? That smile that lights up my face?

I put it there.

And my moving to Humboldt County and changing EVERYTHING I KNOW?

It's been both the hardest thing and the most important thing I've ever done. And now, it's been the most rewarding thing I've done too.

I love you so dearly, Family. I love you all so much it hurts sometimes. I want nothing but the most and the best for all of you. I want nothing but all of you to realize your dreams and live successfully. I wish you all the deepest peace in your very souls. THANK YOU for loving me. THANK YOU for teaching me, sometimes by hard lessons. THANK YOU for putting up with me all the times that I have been really hard to have around. THANK YOU for everything else I have neglected to state in words. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.