Heaven (Monday, April 30)

4:56AM

Mike brought me coffee. I feel as though I barely slept. I want to ride my bicycle before I interview at 10AM.

There is sand in my bed from my walk on the beach last night. I walked for 40 minutes. I thought about ... Heaven. (Blame it on the book I'm reading.) It was a strange thought, foreign. I thought maybe if I am headed to heaven someday and each person's heaven is different, then the beach is my heaven. Not the cold windy beach of last night, though the fresh air felt good, helped me. Warm sand, calm steady ocean. Blue sky, blue sea, yellow sun. That would be my heaven.

It is, after all, my thinking place. Where I go, when I have the presence of mind to make myself go, when I've been holed up for too long, when my thoughts seem on the verge of consuming me, when the stale air feels suffocating. The ocean gives me strength when I feel weak. It gives me focus when I feel distracted. It is a constant, its movements, its noise. It is all-consuming and that ability awes me. I do my best thinking when I walk in the uneven sand. I do my best writing in my head.

I read half a biography yesterday - John Keats. He wished instead of thoughts we had sensations all the time. Scientifically, he pointed out, all thoughts begin as sensations. When my thoughts are too much to bear, the ocean turns them into sensations. And I realize what's real, and what's inconsequential.

"Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be." Kept playing through my heart. This morning, at five to five, when Mike went out to the kitchen I wanted to yell "LOVE ME FOREVER!" Instead I whispered it, to myself. He might have taken it as doubt. To me, it is hope. That this is not too good to be true. How much I love this man. How much he loves me.

Mike left for work at 5:15AM. I read for about 30 minutes, intending to get out of bed about 6AM and go for a walk or a bicycle ride. I fell back asleep.